As I sit here this morning waiting for my coffee to finish brewing, I think back over the past four months and the changes we have endured together. There is the innocence phase where you are unaware of anything different going on and you are living life normally. You are making plans and preparations, then you find something that is not quite right and stops you dead in your tracks. Then you have the call or the reading of your results in the portal (at least for me) - this is where things change and you get your diagnosis. In this stage, you are unaware of what is coming but you know life will never be the same. This is when you can experience anxiety, panic and worry wondering what the next steps will be - will I have chemo, radiation, what type of surgery will be recommended. To be honest, I did not dwell too much on chemo, if I needed it then I would face it head on, my true worry was for radiation and would my plastic surgeon accept me and do the surgery (he has a very strict BMI guideline and I was borderline). Then you receive your course of action. For me, it was surgery with reconstruction, then I learned that I did not need radiation nor chemo and would only be put on hormone blockers. Right now, I am in the recovery phase. You are focused on recovery and not much of anything else. We are making sure that everything is completely healed for the next surgery. Once all the surgeries are complete, then we will start life on this new path. However, I still have tiny moments where I forget the journey we have been on the past few months, and in that fleeting moment I do not have cancer, my body has not been mutilated and life is normal - then reality slaps me in the face and I am brought back to our ‘new norm’. It looks the same from the outside, however, if you really look closely you will see the subtle yet drastic differences.
I went back to the office a week and a half ago. Someone at work commented on how I do not seem ‘myself’ and I have thought about that comment most of this week. My diagnosis is still young and fresh. I have had my surgery and I am definitely on the healing and recovery track, but emotionally and mentally it is still raw. It is talked about a lot in my groups, how this diagnosis brings on a period of grief, and life will never be the same again. You have to grieve and learn how to navigate this new path you are on without any true set of directions. Yes, mine was caught early and for that I am extremely grateful as well as not having to have chemo (although that brings relief and guilt, which both are valid); however, life will never be the same again. While I was diagnosed with what they call an ‘early stage’ and is a great prognosis, the toothpaste is out of the tube so to speak and cannot be shoved back in. It is harder for people to see and understand, because you may look great on the outside but so much more is going on that cannot be seen. To be honest, I am not myself, and I am not certain I will ever be that same girl before cancer - I can almost with certainty say that I will not be the same version of her. My focus is different as are my goals in life. I live life right now in the moment making the best of every day with a fear of reoccurrence. It is always there lurking and peering its ugly head in my face. Because my breast cancer is estrogen positive, I have to make sure that I am not feeding the cancer, so I have a list of foods and supplements that are not recommended as they pose a risk of raising the estrogen which can bring back the cancer. I also have a running of list of certain foods and supplements that interfere with the hormone blocker I am on, and is quite the list so far and things you would not think would cause issues but they do.
Life of late has been exhausting, not necessarily physically but oh so mentally and emotionally. I play this song by Ben Rector almost daily, Living My Best Life. Music helps me so much and literally speaks to my soul. I will put the lyrics at the bottom and a link for the song. So much of this song resonates with me right now and I love his music. So if you see me and I do not seem the same or a little off, I ask for some grace during this time as we navigate our new norm and find our way.
Much Love,
Deandra
Living My Best Life - Song by Ben Rector
This house is now a litany
Things I thought I'd never be
A man who has opinions on an ottoman among other things
I used to think I'd miss the road
The crushing fame and sold out shows
I just sing head, shoulders, knees and toes
Like I'd forgotten 'em
But I'm alive and
Baby, I'm thriving
Oh yeah
I'm living my best life
I wake up with the sunrise
It does not look a thing like I thought that it would
I've been getting my steps in
And I sleep with my best friend
It's the best that it has been in a long time
I'm living my best life (living my best life)
Yeah, yeah, living my best life, yeah (living my best life)
Sometimes it sucks to tell the truth
And I took it hard like people do
But I'm learning how to eat the fruit that is in season
Never thought I'd be a grown ass man
But you know what they say of best laid plans
Now I'm holding on to my daughter's hand
I've got a reason
To be alive and
Oh yeah
Baby, I'm thriving
Yeah, yeah
I'm living my best life
I wake up with the sunrise
It does not look a thing like I thought that it would
But I've been getting my steps in
And I sleep with my best friend
It's the best that it has been in a long time
I'm living my best life (living my best life)
Yeah, living my best life, yeah (living my best life)
Come on
I'm living my best life
The best that I can
No more worry or stress life
'Cause I'm done with them
I'm as light as can be
I'm as fresh as a breeze
Right where I wanna be so
If you need to find me
I'll be living my best life
Waking up with the sunrise
Looking at things like what the actual hell
But I've been counting my blessings
And I sleep with my bestfriend
It's the best that it has been for a long time
It's the best that it had been for a long time
I'm living my best life (living my best life)
Yeah, yeah, living my best life, ooh (living my best life)
I've been living my, living my, living my best life, ooh (living my best life)
(Living my best life, ooh)