Things I want to talk about or share often come at the oddest moments. I literally could be moments from dozing off and my brain is like, hey, you need to share and talk about this; or at 4 am, which is my new wake up apparently, it decides to do the same thing. I swear if there isn’t a lighted pen already invented somebody hurry up and get to it. It would be great to be able to jot down the brief words of wisdom and not wake anyone up in the process because of all the lights needed to see.
A little over two months ago, things in my life were pretty normal. Mini vacations were being planned, long vacations were being discussed. Our annual summer weekend water park trips were just getting started, which for me was something I thoroughly enjoyed. It truly was my happy place and a time to relax. I am a planner you see, I like to know in advance the events that are going to happen in my life. Typically if you ask me what I am doing the next few weekends, I can tell you. I am not, as you say, a ‘fly by the seat of my pants kind of gal’! It has been really hard these past two months of the unknown, not knowing what would happen - radiation, chemo, what meds they will prescribe since mine is hormone positive, and the waiting. The waiting is the hardest part.
Have you watched Father of the Bride 2? You know the part in the opening scene where he is talking about moving forward with life, one child married, one soon to be in college, then he states “They lowered the boom on me, it was like that old joke ‘all those who think they have made it, take one step forward, not so fast George banks”. This is a little of what the beginning of all of this felt like. You see at the beginning of the year Stephen and I made plans to pay off all of our debt so that we can do some of the things we really want to do - invest in a few rent houses, go on some of our bucket list trips, and a few other things. We also have been on a weight loss journey the past year and a half and have made remarkable strides, albeit slowly, but we prefer it that way. Right before all of this reared its ugly head, my main concern for myself was to get under 200 lbs. I had a goal of 150-175, and still do, though the number on the scale doesn’t matter near as much to me right now. Then comes May and life says, um hang on, those steps forward you took, take about 20 spaces back.
The weight loss journey we were on though set up the stage nicely for me to be able to have what is called a Diep flap reconstruction. They basically give you a tummy tuck and reconstruct new breasts from your own fat, pretty cool, right?! The surgeon removes skin, fat, and blood vessels from the abdomen and uses a microscope to connect the blood vessels in the flap to vessels in the chest. The surgeon then shapes the flap to reconstruct the breast. I had been wanting to do a tummy tuck and breast lift; however, the cost was much more than I was willing to take on as debt and we had goals - pay off our existing debt to be debt free. Guys, you need to be specific LOL. I am forever grateful for this process; however, I would in a heartbeat go back to worrying about the teetering scale of 201-203 every day, and waiting for that tummy tuck and breast fix. My new ‘boobs’ are interesting, almost like they aren’t mine and that in itself sometimes is an emotional roller coaster. My awesome daughter, who has walked this path prior to me, has tried to prepare me for some of this. You listen and you hear, but until you truly walk that path you do not know the gravity of those words. She told me, Mom, it is your decision to have nipples or not, but be aware whichever you choose, it will F*ck with you mentally. She is not wrong.
This whole process is a lot, very overwhelming at times where you just stop and think I don’t want to do this anymore. The constant pain, keeping up with your medication, making sure you are getting the right amount of protein and foods to help the healing process, the do’s and don’ts of wound care, are you drinking enough water? asking for help for things that you had no idea you would need (opening a water bottle, washing your hair, using the bathroom, getting dressed and so many other things) - I have a wonderful partner who is my partner in crime but right now has basically put his life on hold to make sure anything and everything I need is granted and made easier for me. I cannot imagine my life without him nor without his invaluable help and grace throughout this process.
So far, I have only had one surgery (phase 1). The potential for more still remains, so the surgical journey is not necessarily over. Healing after each phase is a challenge in and of itself. The doctors added a wound vac to my abdomen to help promote better healing and decrease the risk of suture separation. Still on the horizon are potential revisions to correct issues the doctors see and/or make adjustments for my personal preference (how it looks to me).
You read about so many others who have to have radiation, chemo, revision surgeries for failed reconstruction, and so much more that they do not or cannot talk about. It is hard for many to describe in clear terms the emotion impact of the disease, the surgeries, and the general hard left turn that is forced upon you when going through this type of life event. As you read this, please understand that a medical determination of “cancer free” is not the end of the story. It is a cloud of concern and a constant need for vigilance the rest of your life because of the ever present “however minute” risk of recurrence as well as the necessity for life change due to the medical supplements that become part of your every day routine. I share these thoughts and comments not to seek pity or declare the woe is me, but rather in my attempt to communicate the breadth and levity of this very real life altering event. I am trying to speak for those who cannot speak for themselves.