We are six months out to the day that I found my ‘lump’, and almost five months out from surgery. Everything looks ‘normal’ yet I am still healing on the inside. To the average person, you probably would not notice anything different, except when you see my stand up as I am a little slower than usual. The knots in my incision still give me issues; however, the days are becoming easier with movement, only a little tightness in the abdomen (this can last up to a year). The ‘foobs’ are doing great, and only have pain in them every now and again. The left hip is still giving me grief as it is not completely healed, but slowly we are getting there. There were three holes in total, now just two, so we are making progress. I am hoping to have this part done before Thanksgiving or at least my birthday - that would be a great present to myself! And I actually wore a pair of leggings this past weekend, and was able to wear them all day without too many issues. It is the little things! Who knew I would miss wearing pants so much.
I know it has been a couple of weeks since I have posted. I look at my computer, and think, I really need to fire it up and journal this week. And then I find a dozen other reasons not to because when I sit down and gather my thoughts, it brings up all the memories and the what if’s of this journey, and to be honest, it is difficult to sit there amongst it all. Journaling is a healing process, yet at the same time a struggle. Stephen asked me last night how I was, and my response was I am surviving. I could tell by his response that he was not happy with that answer; however, that was the honest truth. Some days I just want to scream and cry because I am tired - physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are days, I do just that…I cry and let it out, or I sing really loud to my music to push through it. Music is more than sound; it’s a vibration that resonates with the very core of our being. It speaks the language of the soul, stirring forgotten memories and evoking emotions too complex for speech. There are times when no advice or conversation will help, but hearing that one song sometimes is all that is needed to extend a lifeline to help you breathe and feel yourself again. So if you see my jamming along in the car - join in or just ignore me because sometimes you need a good jam session to make your day better.
It is messy, the space in between. The diagnosis and first surgery chapter is closed, and now you are in recovery and waiting for the next part. I am trying to move forward, yet I almost feel stuck as I need the last of the puzzle pieces to come together so we can hopefully close the surgery chapter for good. The waiting can be very hard, and February seems so far off, yet the year is almost over. Still unsure how it is already November. I have a second opinion with a specialist in December. I am wanting a few answers that I feel my current oncologist is unable to provide, so we are headed to MD Anderson to see Dr. Mouabbi and possibly transfer care to him.
I am finding this part of the journey is for healing and waiting; and I am slowly learning that it is okay to be in this space right now. Healing isn’t about the clock or calendar, it’s about choosing to keep going, no matter how slow, one moment at a time. I will try to not to wait so long for the next post. Have a beautiful week and enjoy each moment!
Much love,
Deandra