As I sit here drinking my coffee and sharing my thoughts, I realize I am angry. I am angry at what all has been taken from me and my family. My body, my peace of mind, and my confidence have all been effected and I am trying each day to combat each of those and have a more positive outlook.
My body, to me, is mutilated - I have mounds where my breasts used to be with circles instead of an areola or nipples. Now with clothes on they look normal but underneath tells a different story. I am very fortunate as mine have not rejected anything or had an infection. The left breast tried to give us issues along the lower incision as it was taking a little longer to heal; however it is finally smoothing out. I long for the end of next year when I can tattoo them and cover up the scars and find a way to accept them as they are. The incision that stretches from hip to hip actually does not bother me as much. The setbacks I am having are frustrating and bring me down right now more than anything else. We are coming into Fall where pants are worn more. I am having hard time wearing pants currently because of the issue of the open incision and the necrosis along the incision line as well. Anything that constricts that area causes pain. So you will more than likely see me in dresses, skirts or my new favorite OVERALLS! I have found some cute ones and love them! I am having to outfit a whole new wardrobe, something you do not really think about during all of this.
I had to fight with the insurance company last week. I was trying to refill my last bottle of Tamoxifen, and they stated for insurance to cover it, I would have to transfer it to a different pharmacy AND get a new 90 day prescription. I see my oncologist next month to see if I will be staying on this medication or moving to a different estrogen blocker. I told the insurance company they are basically wanting me to spend more money to get the 90 day refill which I may or may not need, plus switch my prescription to a different pharmacy that may or may not have the brand that I have to take. I called around to several different pharmacies as I already know that I cannot take the Aurobindo brand (or the Mayne brand because it uses the same fillers), and literally every pharmacy around me and CVS Caremark dispenses both of those brands. I finally found a pharmacy that had the Mylan brand, and with the goodRX coupon it will only cost me $20 out of pocket. It was important to me to make sure that I kept the side effects as minimal as possible, even though I knew there would be side effects that I would have to combat like possible mood swings, fatigue, hot flashes, and my least favorite weight gain. However, I have worked hard over the past two years to lose weight and be a healthier version of myself. And then BAM, cancer decides to rear its ugly head. Right now, I have to fight twice as hard to keep the weight off and find a way to combat the swelling it causes. I weigh almost every morning, and most days I feel so defeated because right before all of this I almost made it to one of my goals I had set for myself. I am trying hard not to let the scale have control over my feeling good or bad about myself. I am learning that this is a process, and that with time, I will get there again. It is something I have been researching and working on to find the right answer. As not only do I have to watch what I am eating for possible weight gain, I also have to look at the ingredients to see if there is something that A - interacts with the medication I am taking and B - is there anything that is not recommended due to my cancer being driving by hormones. For example, Turmeric is a wonderful supplement; however, it will negate the effects of my medication so I cannot take it and foods to avoid for estrogen positive breast cancer are citrus fruits, meats with hormones added, milk, and a few others.
I find that music helps my peace of mind because it is wonderful medicine for me. It can totally change my mood for the good or the bad and speaks to my soul. Prior to all of this, I was an avid Audible user and listened to several books a month, not as much as Stephen, but still managed to finish a book a week. During all of this, I found it difficult to quiet my mind and music was my comfort. However, lately, I am finding it easier to listen to my books, which means my mind is lessening the thoughts of worry. I saw my breast surgeon this past week and when she told me that she would see me again in six months, I point blank asked her why. She stated because we cannot guarantee that we can (or did) get everything and you still need to be monitored for reoccurrence. I felt like she hit me with a ton of bricks, as reoccurrence seems to always be in the background screaming at me. Even though right now we are technically in the clear for breast cancer, it remains a cloud overhead, a constant reminder of a potential threat. People callously assume that because the surgery is done that everything is good, no worries, however, this is the farthest from the truth. Like a soldier in the combat zone, we have to constantly be on vigil, even though no bullets are currently flying, there is always the threat of a loaded gun lurking in the shadows.