There is no way to describe the moment you learn that you have breast cancer, whether it is words on a screen after reading the report in your portal or words actually spoken to you in the doctor’s office. Even though I had the weekend to prepare for those fateful words on the screen Monday morning, nothing truly prepared me for how different our life will forever be changed.

When I went to my oncology appointment last week, I was asked a question that totally took shook me. “How is your depression doing?” Not, do you have moments of depression, do you think you might have some depression, nope, straight on - how IS your depression doing. I am sure I had a dumbfounded look on my face as I was contemplating her question, and then the tears flowed. I had never thought about it. Sure, I have moments where I just silently cry, not because there is a great deal of pain or anything in particular has happened at that very moment but the overwhelming events of everything that has happened physically and emotionally are a lot to handle, and some days I just don’t deal with them very well. I love my oncology nurse, she is so upbeat and happy. She exudes sunshine and positivity, so when she asked me this question I wasn’t ready. She encouraged me to write a separate journal of ALL of my thoughts and feelings, and when I am ready and done to burn it and let it all go. I love this idea, and I am working on this as well.

Prior to all of this, I listened to a lot of books on Audible. I love medical thrillers and crime novels. However, since all of this, I have not been able to concentrate and now I listen to a lot of music. I purposefully choose happy and upbeat songs. It brings me comfort and peace. Every now and then a song sneaks in and the tears flow, sometimes because the lyrics have a much deeper meaning and sometimes because the words just touch my soul differently. My husband is intent on making sure there is nothing but positivity in our life, words, music and outlook. Nothing negative - he will not allow it. Before we received the news of no chemo, he stated there would be no chemo, he refused to utter the words and remained positive. Me, however, I am always the girl who looks at all outcomes because I like to be prepared for whatever may come. My daughter is the same way, and we joke about it sometimes. As some see it a little morbid, but we like to be prepared. Well, I can assure you, cancer throws all of that out the window, as you never know what path YOU will take and where it will lead you.

The small things are everything - the hug you desperately needed. The perfect lyric at just the right time. A sweet, understanding smile when you felt overwhelmed with sorrow. The “I’m here for you” texts. The arm around the shoulder when your world feels shaky. The help offered when you’re the most overwhelmed. The book that made you feel seen for a moment. The sunrise that stopped your thoughts from racing for a moment. The phone call that made you laugh and forget for a moment. The small things are the light-bringers, the hopeful glimmers.

When we received the Oncotype test results (prior to my DRs appointment), I messaged my kids and told them. My daughter, as some of you know, had Triple Negative IDC Breast Cancer in 2020. It was very aggressive and she endured so much to overcome and beat it. She still deals with the aftermath every day. Even though the cancer may be gone, the after effects of chemo still take a hard toll on her body and mind. She came over after that message and gave me the longest hug and was a little tearful. She was so grateful that I did not have to have chemo. I was tearful because I felt guilty of not requiring chemo, and still have those feelings, not because I wanted chemo but the tears and emotions are what is referred to as survivors guilt. I have mixed emotions. I am beyond grateful that I do not have to have chemo or radiation; however, sometimes I have an emotional response of remorse and sadness for those that have endured these treatments. I am still working through this process.

I love the cards that I receive, like the one pictured here, ‘Chin up Tits Out’ - it made me laugh! It is from a dear friend that I have known since first or second grade (cant remember). She is the best encourager and full of sunshine, even though she struggles daily with her own unique challenges, she still finds ways to make sure others feel loved. This card and some of the others I have received have helped on the days that I feel overwhelmed with this new way of life and body. While I do not have to have chemo or radiation, I will be on hormone suppressors for 5-10 years, and those come with their own set of challenges. The struggle right now is recovery, regaining my strength and overcoming the wound healing challenges, along with the mental and emotional struggles. Stephen has been my rock and savior through all of this - there are days I feel like a burden because of everything he has had to take on in this journey. However, he does everything out of love and never once complains.

Some day this chapter will close, and we will move on to better and brighter days, until then Chin Up and Tits out - We’ve Got This!

Much love,

Deandra