These past few weeks have been a struggle. I cannot seem to find my way through the path I am on right now. They say that Cancer is a marathon, not a race and to pace yourself. I keep remembering back to the beginning and how fast everything seemed to be happening - mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy all the same day - this typically does not happen this way. I was very fortunate, and then for the results. Is it Cancer? Is it something else? I had the whole weekend to ponder and think of the what if’s but already knowing in my mind what the answer was and the storm that was coming. I was being thrown into a marathon that I had not signed up for and desperately wanted not to join. But here I am, here we are in this race.
I had some idea of what to expect next as I had watched my daughter tackle this part of the race. I had a surgeon, plastic surgeon and oncologist all lined and ready for the handoff. It is different when you are a spectator watching the race, offering support and cheering them on; so many things you thought you knew about the race but really had no clue. Now I find myself on the other side wearing the ILC jersey, making sure I have the right attire for this particular part of the journey, i.e. are we eating the right foods, getting enough sleep, do we have enough medical supplies on hand. I am trying to find my pace, sometimes speeding up then realizing I need to slow to a nice and steady pace but so badly want the race to end. We are still in the healing phase and I was reminded of this again last week. I had finally reached a point where NO extra bandages were needed and everything was closed up. And just where I was getting to the point of celebrating, my body said nope, just kidding, and we are back in needing to dress wounds. My left hip which has had no issues this entire time decided it was feeling left out and wanted to join in the fun. I have a small hole that has decided to open up along the incision line and we are now having to dress it twice a day. I, at least, can celebrate the fact that I no longer have to wear extra padding, extra panties to keep everything in place and I no longer have to wear a bra (that is celebratory in and of itself)! We will get through this part, it is just a little frustrating.
Someone in my group said that Cancer can be the best teacher and best journey. You need to pace yourself, take that vacation or spend more time doing the things you love. I realize that this is truly only the beginning of the marathon and I need to slow down, breathe and focus. I will find my way eventually. I just need to take it one day at a time.
Have a beautiful week,
Love, Deandra