A week from today, I will be in the middle of a life changing surgery, all because I went in for what I thought was possibly a bug bite. Some days everything feels completely normal, like nothing is different – there isn’t a foreign growth in my body. It is just a bruise that will heal on its own. My brain is certainly trying not to accept this new reality. When I went for my CTA, the tech asked me when I was diagnosed…I just looked at her blankly because in my mind I had no idea what she was talking about and then my brain snapped realizing she meant my breast cancer…. May 20th, the day our life changed forever. I told Stephen about it that evening, and he told me I was disassociating. I never even realized it until then but he is right. The first few weeks were a whirlwind – diagnostic mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy all in one day, then breast surgeon and plastic surgery appointments, MRI, and CTA that it was easy to stay in the new norm even though it felt so surreal – like it was someone else’s life I was living. Then it all slowed down, there were no more appointments, no more phone calls or people asking me to recite my name, address and birthdate. Stephen joked and said had they asked me for my age, I would have been in trouble, and he is right, I never know how old I am because I don’t care!
So even though my mind is trying to disconnect, the rest of my body is well aware – I live in a tired state because even though I take melatonin to sleep, I don’t actually sleep. To be honest, neither of us sleep. I live in this constant state of exhaustion and most days feel like I cannot breathe. It feels like there is this huge weight on my chest making it hard to catch my breathe. Truly the only thing that helps this feeling subside is Stephen. He is my everything and has always been my person. He can literally place his hand on my arm and my whole body relaxes. He has been visiting his parents since Saturday as this seemed like the best time not knowing what the rest of the year will look like. I CANNOT wait for his plane to arrive this afternoon.
Tuesday, I will have my preop appointment (blood work and an EKG), as well as a Lymphoscintigraphy. What is that you ask? It is a special type of nuclear medicine imaging that takes pictures of the lymphatic system. It is also called lymph node mapping. It will help identify the lymph nodes and which are free from cancer.
The next few days we will be in relaxation mode as we prepare for surgery – pedicures, massages, and maybe a movie, just time spent together in preparation for my surgery next week. We will post an update next week!
Much love ,
Stephen & Deandra
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